Bringing another child into the family can be chaotic even for the most chilled parents. But as difficult as juggling multiple children can be, this time can be far harder for your older child if you don’t plan and prepare properly. Whether the big sibling is two or 10 years old, the only family dynamic they’ve ever known is about to be turned upside down. But you can soften the blow with a little mindfulness and plenty of love. Here are a few tips to help you do just that.
Encourage nurture play
Children don’t know what caring for a newborn entails. And while it won’t be an exact replica of what life will be like when the new baby comes, giving your older child a baby doll before their sibling’s arrival can help them understand a little of what’s ahead.
This kind of pretend play is developmentally appropriate when it comes to introducing something new, while taking care of a doll will be a safe and tangible way for them to act the part of a big sibling. Don’t worry if you have a boy. Boys are just as nurturing as girls and often just as curious about “playing family”. The experience of being a care giver – whether changing or feeding their doll – instils a sense of autonomy and may bring feelings of being “grown up”. This in turn may lead to them differentiating themselves behaviour-wise when the new baby comes.
Wait to share your news
Time is an abstract concept and often difficult for toddlers to grasp. Yes you want to give them plenty of time to adjust to your news, but not too much. If you tell them as soon as you know, you’ll likely face months of questions about when the baby’s coming. Wait until your belly is visible and you have something tangible that they can see and connect with your news.
A little something from the baby
A great tactic for helping a new sibling adjust is a gift “from the baby” upon arrival. It doesn’t have to be extravagant either, anything meaningful will do. Think of it like a thank you gift from the new baby. The older sibling will likely delight in getting something the new baby “picked out” just for them.
Celebrate them and their new role
Lauding their new position of big brother or sister every chance you get is a big part of validating their position. Books for older siblings and t-shirts celebrating them as the big one are great places to start, as are personalised cups. If you celebrate their role early and often, they should begin to celebrate it themselves too.
Create a feeling of inclusion
There’s nothing worse than feeling left out or ignored for a small child, especially if it’s a tiny new stranger that’s getting all the attention. Hospital visits should be left for discharge day if you can as leaving mum behind with a new baby can feel like a rejection.
Have a picture of the oldest child on the bedside after delivery and make sure they see it when they come to meet the newest member of the family. Having the older sibling there on the car ride home also creates the feeling of a cohesive family unit right from the start.
And once visitors start coming into your home, get them to greet your older child first before heading straight to the baby. Just a little mindfulness can go far.
Embrace your rituals
Once the new baby comes home, you have to create space for your older child to adjust. Outbursts of anger and jealously are understandable following such a big change to the family dynamic.
Your previous rituals are now so valuable. Was there somewhere you used to go or a special activity you’d do as the three of you? While it may seem impossible in the early weeks, it’s important to try and carve out this space now and have time when it’s just the three of you. Baby-free bonding with mum and dad is key for your older child to understand your love for them hasn’t changed. They are still the centre of your world, all that’s changed is they now share the centre stage.
Remember, even if you do everything right, things can still happen. If regressive behaviours like bed wetting, thumb sucking or wanting a dummy creep in, this is all normal and will pass. Especially when they get used to baby being around and accept their new role in the family dynamic.
Sibling rivalry is unavoidable, but it will eventually be replaced by sibling revelry. And when this does happen, it really is the best thing for parents. For more baby advice, head to our blog or check out our StrollerCoaster podcast.